GROWING PAINS
hello all! i'm finally going to post this. i have been sitting on this post not really being satisfied, but oh well. things have been busy. i have some little trips i have done throughout the year, which i still plan to post no matter how long it takes (biased, but i think they are worth reminiscing about & bring me joy).
for this post i am going to go in a different direction. recently, i have overcome some really terrible anxiety; the worst of my life. even though my fear this time is definitely not the most traumatic of my life, for some reason, it has really resonated with me. i have always been a pretty anxious person (as a child i had death anxiety, as a college student i had anxiety about being self-sufficient, & as an a young adult i had anxiety over being in the middle of my parents divorce). i have always been a glass half empty kind of gal. now this tremendous fear i feel is about earthquakes & recently we experienced a couple. as a 90s kid, these were the strongest earthquakes i have memory of. i don't want to dwell on the fear itself for too long, but this fear became encompassing to every part of my life & i felt i was losing control over my life & self.
ironically, this trail is called 'faultline trail' in chino hills state park
after about a week & half of what i call my "grieving stage," i decided to reach out & try to find tools to help. fyi: i call this my grieving stage because during this time i was trying to get used to the idea that in the future i could lose my normalcy of life (my routine & my belongs i see as a part of my self). i was done with the physical & informational "preparing" i was doing, i finally accepted that this was not working. learning more about the many possible events themselves was making my anxiety worst. instead, i realized i needed to prep my mind & learn how to navigate my thoughts. i decided to try a little self-therapy / psychology. this does not work for everyone, but it definitely started working for me. i tried this in the past with my anxiety & it did not really do much. i don't know if i was looking at the wrong sources or i was not capable of figuring it out alone. i decided to start helping myself by looking for articles about people who fear natural disasters or go through them & how they cope. i did not find much. i then decided to try to find some podcasts on self help & anxiety. the first day, i listened to a few & felt a little clarity, but the second day, BOOM it hit me. specifically, i was listening to the hardcore self help podcast # 141(an episode titled "you might die tomorrow")
now even though i don't have a fear of death ( i got this out of my system as a child), i found this episode very relatable with my fear over the "big one" which i still emotionally feel as inevitable (like death), even though i know this is not the case. i felt like everything connected. on top of that, listening to podcasts about trauma helped. even though i admit i did not go through an actual traumatic event, i reacted like i did. i had such a strong response after the earthquake unlike anything i had experienced before.
now to the good stuff. when i talk about the clarity i reached & how everything just connected, that stuff is below. now, it's not like i did not know these ideas existed before. after all, when i was talking about my anxiety with others they were telling me things like, "you only live once, " "there's nothing you can do about it," & "at least you most likely won't die." these ideas are said sooo much (including in the media) & sometimes they appear to be oversimplified & therefore hard to connect to. but like i said, BOOM it just hit me like a truck. and it did not feel forced, it felt natural. i thought in the beginning i was going to have to trick myself into believing this new perspective i've gained. i thought i would have to treat it like a mantra, & then i would start believing it, but this was not the case. these thoughts felt honest to me & natural. as corny as it sounds, it felt like my own personal truth. and i can't imagine ever going back from this. i think when you allow yourself to get to a really low place, you can gain so much. yes, it will be really hard, but vulnerability allows you to open up to things that you never thought possible.
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1) i am incredibly lucky to have this happen to me during a non traumatic event and learn this before something traumatic actually happens in my life. if you asked me a week ago, my perspective was "i am so weak. how could a non traumatic experience have affected me so much? people are dealing with real shit, yet what i feel is real to me." i realized my reaction was similar to people who truly experience a traumatic experience. i now see how lucky i am to learn from this & not have the loss that is involved with experiencing a traumatic event. i was able to gain so much understanding without losing a loved one or something important in life. what a gift!
2) bouncing off the first point, what i have learned (and will learn more of) is that i can use this lesson for future lows & trauma in my life as they are bound to happen. loss & death is inevitable. what i learn now i can apply in the future. you can learn to treat trauma after it happens, but i am incredibly lucky that i have the opportunity to take what i learned & apply it as shit happens. instead of going through a traumatic even, formulating a possibly destructive narrative of my experience, going through pain, & then trying to help myself by changing the narrative to something useful for my wellbeing, i have the opportunity to skip most of these steps & possibly experience something traumatic & take a more positive/constructive narrative (woo, that was a long sentence).
3) unlike other anxieties, this one is not inevitable (though like i said emotionally it feels that way). because i am listening to podcasts that talk about death, i realize my fear is not the same. death is inevitable the "big one" is not. i am lucky that my fear may never happen. not everyone has that privilege.
4) i was able to come to this conclusion naturally. when you are open to different ideas & perspectives, your mind will naturally adapt. now if you asked me a few days ago, i would have said that i would have to trick myself naturally, but now i don;t feel like that all! i feel like it was honest. it just clicked. it hit me like a truck. i just feel like when you are in a really low place & want change, it can happen. you just need some tools & everyone has different tools & a different process.
5) i am hopeful for the trauma i will experience in the future. i am starting to earn & learn more in my tool box. by feeling & being more mentally prepared, i am in the right path to build a better future & life for myself. it can only go up from here.
6) i can't allow myself to live in fear because i really won't be living. i am a big proponent of quality as opposed to quantity. previously, i did practice this in some parts of my life. for example, i travel alone & a lot of people worry about my life being in danger. i never feared about this too much, because i felt so lucky that i was not only able to discover something i love going, but also be able to do it. traveling is worth the risk. honestly, i have a better chance to die in a car & i fucking HATE driving.
7) i accept that this experience was worth something. this traumatic reaction, stress, & grief has given me the gift of learning. i feel like i am a better person from that & i can't see myself going back. it makes me excited about the lessons i can possibly learn. in some kind of twisted way, it makes me a little excited to accept the challenge & prove to myself the growth i have experienced & how i will overcome the next thing that comes my way.
8) this is not just a personal truth, but truth. so many people have learned this lesson, & even more people have felt a fear like this (they are still trying to learn & reach a sense of clarity). overcoming significant fear is a lesson many have learned & unites us all. it makes me feel a tad more human. that is cool.
9) i can choose not to have this fear affect me & my judgments. for example, i can decide to move somewhere that does not have earthquakes, but then what would i be trading? in the end, is it worth trading the things i love, for maybe feeling a little bit more security but also probably inheriting different fears? i may be now dealing with a different natural disaster & also be giving me up things that were important (my job, my partner, the time with my family, a region that i grew up & identify with). when i think of myself down the line, what do i feel like i would regret more? making a rash decision or deciding to stay with my life investments? i lean toward the latter.
10) i accept that i am stuck with this fear, but i can choose to manage it. i don't see this going away, but that is ok. it allows me to learn & become better. acceptance allows me to gain some control. therefore, i also gain some peace of mind & confidence.
11) and probably the most obvious thing that no one really thinks about. no one dies from earthquakes :) . the things people build & objects people manufacture kill people. it's a no shit fact that i think we forget.
overall, i feel this is a gift i can learn from and use in the future. never have i felt such a potent moment in my life & that has changed me so much. even though it may sound silly to others, everyone has their own personal truth. i want to move into the future being able to adapt & take everything as a learning experience. every experience can be used for good in some way, you just need to be open to that. and at times when things get hard, that is also a gift & a challenge to learn from. humans are naturally problem solvers. just continue living the human experience.
i feel like i have been on a natural high & i don't want it to go away, but i accept that it will. it is important for me to remember this is a real feeling and i can achieve it again. i write this to remind myself & maybe even help others.
now for a song. i LOVE hozier's "shrike." it's so pretty! i also learned that a shrike bird will take a rodent or lizard & stake it on barbed wire or a thorn bush in front of its nest to eat later. nature is lovely. enjoy!