warning. this is going to be blurby, mushy, and a bit unorganized.
so i kind of just had this aha moment recently. funny enough it was timed with some big, difficult
news that i will have to learn to overcome and adapt. it is not necessarily bad, but i know it is going to be a struggle to move on from. anyhoo. in the last few weeks i have met new people (which honestly hasn't happened in awhile). and in doing that, it has made me think what kind of person am i putting out in the world? in all honestly, i really don't care what others think of me, but i started pondering what i think of myself. i came to the conclusion, that i wouldn't really care for myself if i just met myself? inception-y, i know. do i dislike the person i see? no. but do i really admire this person? not really.
now this isn't supposed to be all depressing. i'm not disappointed, distraught, or heart broken. i just was really able to see myself from a different perspective that i never had been inspired to do otherwise. now because i need to have an answer for everything, i think the reason i got to this point is that much has changed in the last year and so have i. i am out of school (which to me also means i lost a part of my identity). i am really no longer a historian which is sort of sad for me but i am still really happy with where my career is going. i like what i do and i feel fulfilled.
anyhoo, i started a full time job which took a lot out of me. a lot of new information at once which kept my brain ticking, but now it has died down and i have settled. everyday, i was pretty much working, going on my computer, eating and sleeping. also, i was spending my weekends really putting more of an effort to make others happy than to do what makes me happy. i realized, that i stopped doing the things i love, trying new things, and learning new things.
in the last few weeks i have not made excuses with my time. i have been taking advantage of the time i have and have realized just how precious it is. i am starting to draw again. it's strange. i can go a whole year without sketching and can pick up right where i left off. i have also been reading. i always knew i would continue reading history and social science books after college, but i am actually trying literature. something that i have never gotten into, ever. i am really enjoying it (much more than i thought). maybe i'll make a separate post about it.
besides hobbies, i have also made changes in my lifestyle. recently i found out i was pre-diabetic. as a young relatively healthy person who is not overweight, i was surprised. i am now more cautious of what i eat and everyday during lunch i either walk or run. in the past i have tried making running a habit, but now it is actually sticking. everyday i also try to fit in 20 minutes of yoga just to stretch out my body and lose some tension. also, i realized i was always so tired. i would have to sleep at least 8 hours overnight and still feel exhausted in the morning. now, i just go to bed when i feel like it. i now wake up more relaxed than ever. i think that is because i go to bed happy. who knows.
i never used to be a positive person, and really i am still not, but i am happier with myself than i have been in a long time. i also notice i am happier to be at work and with the people around me. i have come to realize that i can't make excuses if i am unhappy with something. i am solely responsible for my happiness. also, i have learned to listen to my body more and to keep my brain ticking. that's what i miss most about college and now i don't have classes to make me keep thinking. i need to show more initiative to learn something new and use my critical thinking skills. really, i am aiming towards a healthy body and a healthy mind. i know, so crunchy granola, but i have no shame.
now for a song. we are going to take things slow and bluesy. 'it all and everything,' by charlie wood. enjoy!